There are days when I find it difficult to do every day tasks, days when just getting out of bed feels like it will take too much effort. Thankfully I can’t succumb to that weight because I have a little people who rely on me. I spend the majority of the day with the tiniest human who lives in our house. He laughs with me, smiles at me, yells at me when I don’t pay him enough attention. He keeps me focused so that I don’t get sucked into the black hole that sometimes calls out to me. The older kids need me but not in the way that he does. They spend more of their day at school than they do here at home, they’ve reached a level of semi-independence. Thankfully though, none of them have pushed me away yet.
I know we will reach a point in our relationships with our children when we will no longer be fun and cool. We’ll end up being those embarrassing parents and the kids will cringe at the sight of us and nothing we do will be awesome anymore. I hate thinking about that. I like that right now they think we’re the coolest people they know. Our kids are as proud of us as we are of them. They’re not embarrassed when I show up at the school to pick them up at the end of the day in my sweat pants and no make up. They love me unconditionally and I’m so thankful for that. I don’t know if this is the case for other mothers out there but I know I speak for Siobhan and myself when I say that our children give my life purpose. They give me a reason to wake up every day and put one foot in front of the other.
I have to admit that sometimes I lack motivation. I haven’t figured out yet whether it is laziness or depression that inhibits my ability to do the things I love. For instance, I love blogging. Writing here is one of the things I look forward to about my day when the kids are at school and Cullen is napping. Lately though, I just can’t seem to bring myself to the desk and write. I feel that need, the want, the desire to do it but I just can’t focus. I can’t make anything creative, imaginative, humorous, or interesting come out of my brain. This week I’ve sat down in front of my computer about 8 dozen times and stared at the blank screen just trying to will something out of my brain.
It’s Friday at 4 pm and I’ve finally managed to type out a post. I struggle with whether or not I should be completely open and tell you all of the things I think and feel. I don’t want to focus on bad or negative things. I enjoy writing my funny posts about my crazy kids and I love sharing with you the craft projects I work on. More time than not though, I’m struggling with these feelings that I am sharing with you now. In between all those DIY projects and funny kid posts, I’m struggling to see the silver lining in life; struggling to make lemonade out of all these lemons I feel like I’m being handed. I know some of you are thinking, “think about how someone somewhere has it worse than you and then you won’t feel so bad” but honestly that isn’t the case.
I know that I don’t have a bad life. I know there are people out there with far worse problems than the menial things I go through but it doesn’t change the struggle and emotion I experience. What I do with it and how I rise above it is what matters. I think sharing it with someone, like I’m doing now, helps. I can’t hide from it or deny it if I share it openly and expose the ugly truth. So thank you for taking the time to read about the not so glamorous parts of me, hopefully someone out there will read this and realize they are not alone.